The 30 Project

Well, I have been wanting to write this for a few weeks now.  However, in true Erin form, I have done two things: 1) Tried to find the perfect way to start and word this, which is impossible... so it didnt get done. 2) Procrastinated by starting other projects, which has just created a mess in my apartment and now I am procrastinating cleaning those up by finally writing this blog entry.  So, I guess you could say it has been productive, because here I am, facing the giants and writing this very imperfect blog entry.

I am turning 30 this year.  Holy Hell. That is terrifying to me.  I always thought I would have life "figured out" by 30.  That I would be wise, have my life together, be married and probably have kids.  All I know to be true, is that none of that is true and I have nothing figured out.  I think thats why I am having a minor freak out over 30... I'm no where where I thought I'd be.

We all want what's next in life.  You want to drive, go to college, drink, date, graduate, get a real job, get married, have a baby, etc.  It's easy to yearn for the next thing, but you miss the joys of where you are... and thats what I'm trying to focus on.  I want to get married so badly it physically hurts my heart some times.  I only have a few single friends left, which makes it harder to do everything I want to do when I dont have some one to do it with.  But this shows me that I feel like I need someone to make me happy... and thats what I need to change.

In the next 6 months I want to accomplish some things that are smothering me.

- Clean out my apartment (clothes, papers, re-organize): I stay in on the weekends with cleaning & organizing ideas of grandeur, I start something and make a mess, get bored/distracted/tired and then just end up watching stupid stuff on TV.  No wonder I'm not meeting anyone, I'm sitting at home alone!
-Spruce up my apartment: I live here and after almost 3 years, I need some change from alllll the beige. I want to add chair railing, paint, hang this stupid porch light fixture.
-Get my finances in order: I have never even seen my credit report.  I have money from 401K's that I dont even know where they are or if they are losing money.
-Spend less time being busy: My need to have things together, which if you cant tell from above, is NOT together and keeps me from doing things I love, because I am 'busy' unsuccessfully trying to organize it week after week. I want to get back to volunteering and find a way to meet new people.

Its so easy to let one thing go in your life and for everything else to slowly make its way to that slippery slope.  Its hard to regain control, but thats what I want to do.  I want to remind myself of the victories (no matter how small) and instead of wasting my last months of my 20's freaking out about something that coming, whether I want it to or not, turn it in to something positive.  Sort of a Happiness Project.

SO, this is my first step.  I dont know any of the other steps or have any game plan, but I just want to remember this time and make it a count.  Come on Erin, don't let this be another half started project!

Squeeky Clean!

I have this new weird habit of not being able to sleep before trips. I don't know if it's just nerves about the trip or what. My flight home for Thanksgiving is at 9am and I am getting picked up at 7am. Its 4:15 am and I am still up. This is very unlike me. It's usually the early bird special and off to bed at 9pm, 10 if its a 'late' night. Yep... that's my idea of fun and I have no shame in my game.

I have always been a cleaner... I think it's in my blood. I find it very therapeutic and it's something I can have control over when I feel like things are out of control. Naturally, to combat my pre-trip nerves, I clean. It helps calm me and then I always come home to a clean apartment! :)

As I said, its 4:15am and I just started my noisy dishwasher. Probably not very nice, but it needed to be run before I left, so tough cookies! Hey, I am holding off on running the garbage disposal until at least 7am... you are welcome!

My Portion...

I've had a twinge of sadness the past few days. This will be my first 'adult' Christmas when I haven't been totally consumed with work or dating Jesse... which seems to be hitting me harder than I expected. Despite a few sad moments during Fall, I sailed through it. This falsely lead me to believe I was past him, but here we are again. I think I am adequately over him and need to remember it's OK to be sad once and awhile. I guess you have to experience and relearn each season, as they all bring something new - both good new and not as much fun to deal with new.

I miss him, but I think I miss the idea of him more... which has been weighing on my heart lately. Typical to my coping mechanisms, I just ignored it and hoped it would go away. Surprise! It didn't. I decided that since I am in the process of turning over a new leaf, I should try to deal with it now so maybe the next seasonal transition wont be quite as bad. I mean, the next season brings life and that's how I want to feel! I would normally deal with it with Love Actually, wine and a good cry. While this is OK to do every once and awhile, it made me realize that no matter how my human self tries to deal with it, you can't make any progress until it is dealt with spiritually. God is trying to teach me yet again to love HIM! Look to HIM! Trust HIM!

So instead of dwelling in and on my loneliness and strong desires to be married, I am working on resting in the One who longs for me to feel that way about Him. The One who's love and care is constant... not something I have to earn. The One who shepherds me when I am struggling and whose mercy and grace is all powerful and ever present.

I want to use this time of singleness to bring glory to God and prepare myself for the blessing of a husband. To do this, it starts (and ends) with my eyes fixed upon the cross.

These passages have been such a wonderful reminder of hope to me lately...

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassion's never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself. "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him." The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him..." -Lamentations 3:22-25

"We also have joy with our troubles, because we know that these troubles produce patience. And patience produces character and character produces hope. And this hope will never disappoint us, because God has poured out his love to fill our hearts." -Romans 5:3-5

"My God will use his wonderful riches in Christ Jesus to give you everything you need." - Philippians 4:19

God is greater than our weakness and because of that, I am resting in the arms of my maker tonight.

Decorating for Christmas!

Well, this year I did something that is generally socially unacceptable among most people, myself included. I'm not proud of it, but I put up my Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving. I know... I know... I am hanging my head in shame (sort of). It has been a steadfast rule for many years at the Cesla household that Christmas doesn't start until after giving thanks for our many blessings over a turkey dinner.

However, since I don't live at home anymore and can make my own rules (although I think I was the one who started that rule, but that's beside the point), I decided it was time for Christmas! I'm sure it was the wine and Love Actually that helped bring this idea to fruition sooner than expected, but if that's so wrong... then I don't want to be right!


First, my 3 foot tree makes me incredibly happy! Now before you go judging me, you can't find REAL trees that small and if I had any room at all in my apartment, I would get a real one. If you choose to have a fake tree, know that I am judging you just a tiny bit... but I'll let you off a little since it's the holidays and I'm nice. :) Nothing beats the smell pine in your living room!

I have approximately 7 real ornaments on it and plastic silver balls from the $1 section at Target. I am working on expanding my collection, but since I like my ornaments to mean something, it's sort of a slow process. It looks a little empty, but it's my little Christmas tree and I love it. Come to think of it, it's very Charlie Brown of me.


Next, my homemade wreath! My previous Christmas wreath found a new home last year with the Grinch who stole it. I hope they are enjoying it. I looked at buying a pre-made one, but the idea of a Sunday afternoon craft project made me feel like a fat kid in a candy store and I couldn't deny myself that kind of happiness. My overwhelming Martha Stewart crafting joy was appropriately paired with a healthy dose of reality after an encounter with a crazy crafter. I think it's safe to say that crazy crafters are the cat ladies of their time. My fears are always realized after said encounters. While it's not my cup of tea, I applaud them. They are blazing their own trail with vigor and glittered vision! Don't let me stand in your way of happiness... mainly because I want to leave Michaels in one piece.


I think the final product turned out simple and classy... just my style. I even found a way to sneak in some plaid... and then all was right with the world! Needless to say, every trash can in my apartment is empty and donation items finally found their way to my car... one by one. I think I fell more in love with it every time I 'had' to go outside. There is so much more satisfaction and love for something when you made it or put it together yourself. Maybe the crazy crafters are on to something.... Nahhh! They are probably just high on hot glue fumes.

Well, now that I have decorated for a holiday that is one holiday away, I am off to pack so I can give Thanksgiving the proper attention!

LIST-lessness

I cant sleep. I feel uneasy about something... not quite sure what. Its the worst being exhausted and not being able to fall asleep. I don't actually want to go to bed, which is odd because I love my bed. I don't know where this bed issue came from, so I am camping out on my couch (again) and hoping a 'go to' movie will lull me to sleep. It hasn't so far, so I decided to write a few things down. I think this insomnia was also perpetuated by Pinterest... my brain is racing with decorating ideas and projects!

Projects:

-Refinish bench

-Spray paint porch light & install

-Make Christmas tree skirt

-Make seasonal garland

-Print pictures for frame wall

-Bar stool seat covers

Need to do:

-Tailor

-Organize papers

-Craigslist wine racks and grill

-Dry cleaning

Ok. Now I can hopefully stop thinking about that.

Life has been busy lately. Both in a good and bad way. I am overwhelmed with things. I have a hard time giving my anxieties, fears and worries to God-- which would obviously help me sleep if I could. I dont know where this anxiety comes from, but its nothing new. A lot of it is probably self inflicted. Have I done my part to ward off these worries or have I been procrastinating and lazy? I know having a messy place and long 'To Do' list only makes my life feel more out of control. I am really trying to find the root of this problem because its something I can change and I think it would make me a better person to do so. I need to take control of my mind because "contentment is more of a shift in attitude than a change in circumstances." That quote is from my bible study book 'Calm my Anxious Heart' by Linda Dillow and it has really stuck with me. I am a positive person. I see the stars instead of the mud. So I am rooting around to see what the real issue is. Thats a scary thought, but it's necessary so I can be the best me. More importantly, so I can glorify God in everything I do!

Good reference lists-

Prescription for contentment:

-Never allow yourself to complain about anything - not even the weather

-Never picture yourself in any other circumstances or someplace else

-Never compare your lot with another's

-Never allow yourself to wish this or that has been otherwise

-Never dwell on tomorrow - remember that [tomorrow] is God's, not ours

Practice:

-Choosing to give our anxieties to God

-Choosing to pray specifically

-Choosing to be thankful

-Choosing to dwell on the positive

Growth

Lately, I have had to go out of my comfort zone in a lot of areas in my life. While it's not fun and scary, I think you grow the most when you are out of your comfort zone. This was not self imposed, it was circumstantial, but I never could have imagined where its taken me... and wouldn't change it for anything. I am so happy and overwhelmingly blessed.

God does provide.
He is the light in our darkness.
He is our hope!

I pray I can continue to be a faithful follower because He deserves the glory!

Hello Fall!

Growing up in a place with 4 seasons, I have really come to love each one for what it offers. Winter brings snow, the holidays and cozy fires. Spring brings new life, renewed energy and flowers. Summer brought no school, vacations and the pool. Fall brings cooler weather, the leaves changing and football. Most importantly, one of my favorite things about Fall are the ACORNS! I know most people view them as a hassle, but they are like little packages of joy to me. :)


Truthfully, they were usually the only thing that made our family torture... I mean, raking days somewhat tolerable. Well, the acorns and probably jumping in the leaves. :) Thanks to my neighbors beautiful, but ginormous oak tree (RIP Judy and sadly her Oak Tree) that kindly shed its leaves and acorns ALL over our yard, raking was a never ending job come September. Its funny how I never truly appreciated the leaves changing when I lived there and now its the thing I miss the most.


Anyways, I'm not sure what it is about them that I love so much. Maybe it's their cute little hats or that they are a symbol of good luck and prosperity. While those points add to my affinity of acorns, I know this love stems from my uncontrollable love for stepping on crunchy things. Oh the joy of stepping on an acorn and hearing that perfect crunch! I turn into a little kid on Christmas. I smile every time and my heart is flooded with a little rush of pure happiness. I look like a fool when I am out walking because I will go out of my way to step on every one I see, making me look like a spastic dancer of sorts. Sorry for ruining your food squirrels, but I can't help myself!


So far this Fall, I've had to work a little harder at keeping my spirit alive as I prepare for the dead winter months ahead. As the weather begins turning cold and everyone starts burrowing in their homes, I am learning to love fall, alone. It's been a harder transition than I anticipated, but I know God has great things planned for me this Fall. I've already bought my first mum (above), made a fall-ish wreath (details in a later post) and have two trips home planned! I cant wait to make my first batch of chili, enjoy my pumpkin spiced candles, pull on my favorite fleece and walk in the crisp, cool morning air. I am making incredible new friends in my community group and in November, I am walking 60 miles to fight breast cancer. Yep, I'd say its going to be a wonderful time of year, but right now and in those tough moments in between, I'm so glad I have those little reminders of life's simple joys.


Fall tree image found here
Acorn image found here