The 30 Project

Well, I have been wanting to write this for a few weeks now.  However, in true Erin form, I have done two things: 1) Tried to find the perfect way to start and word this, which is impossible... so it didnt get done. 2) Procrastinated by starting other projects, which has just created a mess in my apartment and now I am procrastinating cleaning those up by finally writing this blog entry.  So, I guess you could say it has been productive, because here I am, facing the giants and writing this very imperfect blog entry.

I am turning 30 this year.  Holy Hell. That is terrifying to me.  I always thought I would have life "figured out" by 30.  That I would be wise, have my life together, be married and probably have kids.  All I know to be true, is that none of that is true and I have nothing figured out.  I think thats why I am having a minor freak out over 30... I'm no where where I thought I'd be.

We all want what's next in life.  You want to drive, go to college, drink, date, graduate, get a real job, get married, have a baby, etc.  It's easy to yearn for the next thing, but you miss the joys of where you are... and thats what I'm trying to focus on.  I want to get married so badly it physically hurts my heart some times.  I only have a few single friends left, which makes it harder to do everything I want to do when I dont have some one to do it with.  But this shows me that I feel like I need someone to make me happy... and thats what I need to change.

In the next 6 months I want to accomplish some things that are smothering me.

- Clean out my apartment (clothes, papers, re-organize): I stay in on the weekends with cleaning & organizing ideas of grandeur, I start something and make a mess, get bored/distracted/tired and then just end up watching stupid stuff on TV.  No wonder I'm not meeting anyone, I'm sitting at home alone!
-Spruce up my apartment: I live here and after almost 3 years, I need some change from alllll the beige. I want to add chair railing, paint, hang this stupid porch light fixture.
-Get my finances in order: I have never even seen my credit report.  I have money from 401K's that I dont even know where they are or if they are losing money.
-Spend less time being busy: My need to have things together, which if you cant tell from above, is NOT together and keeps me from doing things I love, because I am 'busy' unsuccessfully trying to organize it week after week. I want to get back to volunteering and find a way to meet new people.

Its so easy to let one thing go in your life and for everything else to slowly make its way to that slippery slope.  Its hard to regain control, but thats what I want to do.  I want to remind myself of the victories (no matter how small) and instead of wasting my last months of my 20's freaking out about something that coming, whether I want it to or not, turn it in to something positive.  Sort of a Happiness Project.

SO, this is my first step.  I dont know any of the other steps or have any game plan, but I just want to remember this time and make it a count.  Come on Erin, don't let this be another half started project!

My Portion...

I've had a twinge of sadness the past few days. This will be my first 'adult' Christmas when I haven't been totally consumed with work or dating Jesse... which seems to be hitting me harder than I expected. Despite a few sad moments during Fall, I sailed through it. This falsely lead me to believe I was past him, but here we are again. I think I am adequately over him and need to remember it's OK to be sad once and awhile. I guess you have to experience and relearn each season, as they all bring something new - both good new and not as much fun to deal with new.

I miss him, but I think I miss the idea of him more... which has been weighing on my heart lately. Typical to my coping mechanisms, I just ignored it and hoped it would go away. Surprise! It didn't. I decided that since I am in the process of turning over a new leaf, I should try to deal with it now so maybe the next seasonal transition wont be quite as bad. I mean, the next season brings life and that's how I want to feel! I would normally deal with it with Love Actually, wine and a good cry. While this is OK to do every once and awhile, it made me realize that no matter how my human self tries to deal with it, you can't make any progress until it is dealt with spiritually. God is trying to teach me yet again to love HIM! Look to HIM! Trust HIM!

So instead of dwelling in and on my loneliness and strong desires to be married, I am working on resting in the One who longs for me to feel that way about Him. The One who's love and care is constant... not something I have to earn. The One who shepherds me when I am struggling and whose mercy and grace is all powerful and ever present.

I want to use this time of singleness to bring glory to God and prepare myself for the blessing of a husband. To do this, it starts (and ends) with my eyes fixed upon the cross.

These passages have been such a wonderful reminder of hope to me lately...

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassion's never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself. "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him." The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him..." -Lamentations 3:22-25

"We also have joy with our troubles, because we know that these troubles produce patience. And patience produces character and character produces hope. And this hope will never disappoint us, because God has poured out his love to fill our hearts." -Romans 5:3-5

"My God will use his wonderful riches in Christ Jesus to give you everything you need." - Philippians 4:19

God is greater than our weakness and because of that, I am resting in the arms of my maker tonight.