I've had a twinge of sadness the past few days. This will be my first 'adult' Christmas when I haven't been totally consumed with work or dating Jesse... which seems to be hitting me harder than I expected. Despite a few sad moments during Fall, I sailed through it. This falsely lead me to believe I was past him, but here we are again. I think I am adequately over him and need to remember it's OK to be sad once and awhile. I guess you have to experience and relearn each season, as they all bring something new - both good new and not as much fun to deal with new.
I miss him, but I think I miss the idea of him more... which has been weighing on my heart lately. Typical to my coping mechanisms, I just ignored it and hoped it would go away. Surprise! It didn't. I decided that since I am in the process of turning over a new leaf, I should try to deal with it now so maybe the next seasonal transition wont be quite as bad. I mean, the next season brings life and that's how I want to feel! I would normally deal with it with Love Actually, wine and a good cry. While this is OK to do every once and awhile, it made me realize that no matter how my human self tries to deal with it, you can't make any progress until it is dealt with spiritually. God is trying to teach me yet again to love HIM! Look to HIM! Trust HIM!
So instead of dwelling in and on my loneliness and strong desires to be married, I am working on resting in the One who longs for me to feel that way about Him. The One who's love and care is constant... not something I have to earn. The One who shepherds me when I am struggling and whose mercy and grace is all powerful and ever present.
I want to use this time of singleness to bring glory to God and prepare myself for the blessing of a husband. To do this, it starts (and ends) with my eyes fixed upon the cross.
These passages have been such a wonderful reminder of hope to me lately...
"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassion's never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself. "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him." The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him..." -Lamentations 3:22-25
"We also have joy with our troubles, because we know that these troubles produce patience. And patience produces character and character produces hope. And this hope will never disappoint us, because God has poured out his love to fill our hearts." -Romans 5:3-5
"My God will use his wonderful riches in Christ Jesus to give you everything you need." - Philippians 4:19
God is greater than our weakness and because of that, I am resting in the arms of my maker tonight.
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